Maybe it’s just me. Right? Maybe everyone else has it together and I’m the only one who is struggling, drained, exhausted, burnt out & overwhelmed; stretched in too many different directions.
I’m sure that’s it. I’m alone in my zombie walk from my car after doing a job that hasn’t fed my soul in years, with my arms too full of stuff to bring inside. Of course, I get all existential with it, and equate the stuff I’m carrying into my house to the emotional baggage I carry with me every day. Because that’s how I roll. Pile it on! There can’t be more people who feel this way. Like trying to hold a dry sand castle in my hands with nothing but the fingers they were provided.
My healing journey starts here. In this place. Here is where I say, “I need to fix this. This isn’t the way I want my life to be.” My healing starts in this mess of puzzle pieces. At least I can say that I love the pieces I’ve created for myself. There was a time when even the pieces; my house, my friends, my interests, my partner (specifically my ex-husband), even my clothes were not what I wanted them to be. That’s a tough place to be. OR it’s a beautiful place to be. A potential blank slate. It’s the opportunity to look at life and say, “NO. None of this works for me.”
By seeing all the things I didn’t want, I was able to check them off the list of possibilities.No, having no friends because I wasn’t allowed to, didn’t work for me. Check! No, living in a crappy apartment in a scary neighborhood with crazy neighbors didn’t work for me. Check! No, being ridiculed for reading books and wanting to sing in a choir didn’t work for me. Check! No, wearing far too baggy clothes to hide my body and try to please my ex-husband didn’t work for me. Check! And no, my ex himself, in all his violent manipulative degrading splendor, most certainly did NOT work for me. Check!
Look at all that work!
Knowing what you don’t want is the path to finding out what you do want. Our experiences, our failures, teach us if we let them. I’ve been known to be a repeat mistake maker. You know, because I’m thorough and I love learning. J
So, yes, I have some bad zombie days. Yes, I make mistakes (repeatedly). Yes, I’m staring at a pile of beautiful Life puzzle pieces waiting to be put together. I’m also staring at a pile of laundry and paperwork. (I’m sure I’m the only one with those things too.) I get frustrated. I lose focus. BUT…that’s ok. I forgive me. I’m not perfect…yet. Ok, ok. I’ll never be perfect. My goal is not perfection. My goal is to be happily me & to make that happiness utterly contagious. If you don’t have it already, I hope you catch it!
A special thanks to all my friends and supporters who shared my blog link!!! In no particular order: Bridget Cooper, Kimberly Chabot, Dawn Plante, Rita MacRae, Kim Montana Grace & Josh Raymond. Thank you to my mom, Carol Spitko and my sisters Michelle Leone & Andrea Agostinucci. And a VERY special thanks to Joe Day for helping me set the whole thing up. I am grateful for all of you. I couldn’t have done it without you guys…I mean that about more than just the blog. (If I missed anyone, please let me know.)